I just added a pic to my last post & it got me to thinking, seeing the 2 photos side-by-side, about how many changes DH & I have endured this year. Somehow it was reassuring seeing that I haven't changed all THAT much really, at least not on the outside. I feel (internally) like I've aged a good 20 years just since that pic was made last May.
It was on the way home from the birthday party/picnic (where the pic was taken) that I got the call that my husband was in the emergency room with his heart rate insanely high and his oxygen level dangerously low. They were considering doing a heart cath right away. Hearing his voice & knowing he was all alone & that there was no way I could get there in time to help him through the frightening procedure was horrible! Fortunately it turned out he didn't have to have the hearth cath, but my confidence that he'd be fine when I was (400 miles) away was shattered.
Since that happened I've cut myself off from my friends & not lived a healthy lifestyle at all. The health crisis that led to his being in the ER that day led to an all-consuming fear, fear that I would lose this man I love so much. A move was necessary because of all the stairs in our home. Other changes, including his having to take a medical retirement, came about & the resulting decrease in income and increase in stress seemed to suck the energy out of both of us. Talking to friends just seemed to take more effort than it was worth. I had the urge to "batten down the hatches" and stay close to home. We both went into "automatic pilot" in a way.
This Spring I feel a bit of change in the air, as they say, and am hoping that the changes we're considering will result in a happier situation for both DH and me. That would be cool! Just having something new to talk about has been refreshing after a winter centered around ill health and fear.
I came across this Bible verse yesterday & need to make it a point to remember it next time things seem so overwhelmingly bad: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though its waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling.” Psalms 46:1-3 I hope it will inspire you and bring you peace as it did me last night.
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